If You Don't Know Who It Is - It's Probably You

There are some things that are universally annoying: popping your gum, being a Debbie Downer, being overly happy, etc. These things are annoying to everyone on the planet except those who do them. I cannot explain why this is, but it is so. There are some things that are only going to annoy a small part of the population. I, for one, can't stand it if you don't say goodbye before you hang up the phone.

You know what, jerk? You just hung up on me. In the interest of what? Pretending you're on TV? Saving a half a second? Seriously, getting off the phone without saying goodbye is hanging up on me and I will NOT tolerate it. Also, don't say the word literally unless you literally know what it means and are certain that what you say is literally true. I will NOT tolerate someone saying "It's literally a million degrees in here." Because it's not. I guarantee it. Because you have the ability to speak rather than being a puddle of melted humanity.

But that's not what we're talking about today. We are talking about something much more heinous and hidden. Something that your friends will never point out to you, but I guarantee you that they are annoyed by it. What is this awful thing you could be doing, you ask? Counting your blessings.

Don't get me wrong - everyone should do this to some extent. You should know that your life is better than it could be. You should rejoice in the little victories and celebrate the small joys in life. It's important. And you shouldn't dwell on the bad, as that is a recipe for disaster.

On the other hand, you shouldn't do it constantly. If you find yourself saying things like, "I feel so blessed to be born with all my limbs," more than once a decade, you may have a problem. If when people tell you their problems, you respond with something along the lines of, "But you are so blessed that all of your problems are so small," you definitely have issues.

Trust me, you are annoying everyone.

Oh, they won't tell you that it's annoying, because you are making them feel bad. But everyone gets to complain. Everyone. At least once in a while without hearing about how they shouldn't because they have it better than someone else. People should be entitled to feel pain, to whine, to bitch, even and be accepted as normal - not some ungrateful freak who should be jumping up and down that they don't have seven different forms of cancer like that guy in an email you got last week.

Seriously, seek help. For yourself if not for those around you. Eventually, you'll be murdered.

Five Things on Friday - Family Movie Night Edition

Every once in while, we pop popcorn, make Kool-Ade, and all four of us climb into my bed and watch a movie. I call it Family Movie Night. Brynna calls it playing theatre. I don't get to wear my pajamas to the theatre or put the movie on pause to use the bathroom, so I think this is even better.

Except for one thing: the actual movies. Before I had kids, I loved kids' movies. All of them, even the cheesy ones. Now that I watch approximately 700 hours of children's programming a day, I could do without them. I mean, have you seen that Curious George movie? Seriously. I have a headache just thinking about it.

Therefore, I try to talk my kids into what I call Kid-Friendly-Adult-Movies. We've watched Pirates of the Caribbean about 17 times. I tried Ghostbusters but that wasn't as kid friendly as I remembered. Sometimes I wonder about the adults in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, though. Mostly, I've been thinking about the movies I loved when I was that age. We've got a stay-cation coming up and I'd like to do at least one game night and one movie night over our week of being trapped with one another. Here are

Five Movies I Think We Can All Agree On:

Plus: The HAIR!!!!

1. Labyrinth - For those who lived under a rock in the '80's, Labyrinth is the story of a young girl (Jennifer Connelly) who is left home alone to babysit. While "storytelling" she accidentally conjures a real Goblin King (David Bowie FTW) to come and kidnap her baby brother. The rest of the movie is the confusing and surreal tale of her struggle through a fantasy world to get to the Goblin Palace and steal back her brother before midnight (when the spell becomes final and her parents get home)! In truth, the story is so secondary to the joy that is Jim Henson and David Bowie collaborating. It is simultaneously, a great movie for kidlets who love fantasy and creatures and flatulence jokes, and an acid trip on film on par with The Wall. Actually, better than the wall because I am still having nightmares about the part where he shaves off his nipples.

And the best part is clearly Falcor.

2. The Never Ending Story - In The Never Ending Story, Bastion is a bookish kid who is constantly getting bullied. He hides in a bookstore where he is introduced to a "dangerous" book. When he borrows the book and takes it to the school attic to read, he is swept away to a fantasy land (sensing a theme yet?) where he must become a hero and save the mythical world from destruction. TNES is a movie made for kids, full of "lessons" and "morals" but also managing to not seem preachy because it's so bizarre. If you've seen Shark Boy and Lava Girl, imagine how great that movie would have been if it weren't so preachy. Also, if there were no George Lopez.

You should be warned,
Tim Curry is freakin' scary.

3. Legend - Despite the fact that Legend boasts a pretty all-star cast (Tom Cruise, Mia Sara and Tim Curry) it is probably the one you are least likely to have seen. Although I don't know how you missed it. It seems like it was on cable every Saturday of my childhood. I would like to explain the plot to you, but it would take almost as long as watching the movie. Basically, a very, very young Tom Cruise has to save his fiance from the Lord of Darkness and partners up with all sorts of magical creatures along the way. The whole movie is a delight to watch, as it is just beautifully done. There's some sort of something about virginity, which I ignored as a kid and I hope my kids can too, but otherwise, it's as fun for kids as adults. Basically, Legend  is like crack for me. I've never turned down an opportunity to watch it and every time I see it I enjoy it as much as the first.

Mmmm....

4. The Princess Bride - I'm not even going to tell you what The Princess Bride is about because if you haven't seen it then you clearly hate all things good in the world. I do not feel that that is at all an exaggeration. In any case, I've been trying to get the girls to watch this for literally years, to no avail. If Brynna would just give it a chance, I know she'd love it. As Grandpa says, "Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles..." How true, Grandpa. May I add, Cary Elwes at his most drool-worthy?


5. Savannah Smiles - SS is the story of the very young daughter of a politician who runs away and is sort of accidentally kidnapped by some not-so-bright crooks. Savannah is so charming, however, that she makes their lives brighter. They are even sort of parenty. It's not the world's best movie, but I was truly captivated by it as a kid. There is something magical about watching the criminals come around. Okay, so you probably won't like it, but I do. And it's my movie night anyway.

So, what about you? What movies to you watch with the kids when you think that one more repeat of the Map Song is going to send you over the edge of a cliff?

Dream a Little Dream

I dream. A lot. I typically remember my dreams, sometimes for years, but always long enough to tell someone if it was funny/weird/scary. I never dream in black and white. Only in color. I usually have either one dream that seems to last forever or a bunch of short, unrelated dreams that share some weird common thread. Like underwear.

In any case, a few weeks (or possibly months) ago, I stopped dreaming. I told Hubby about this and he pooh-poohed my odd observation by telling me that I was probably dreaming and not remembering it. And perhaps I was. It's possible.

But I don't think so.

I've been stressed. Sitting up at night while trying desperately not to balance my checkbook in my head stressed and I think that was somehow keeping me from dreaming.

For the past three nights, I have dreamt. Long, rambly weird dreams (some about underwear). All of them in color. All of them in 3D. All of them bright and vivid and realish. (Except there's too much underwear).

I think I'm cured. I'm going to sleep without complex math and compound interest filling my head and I'm dreaming. I don't know what caused my cure (although I have a theory) but I do believe that my long (lack of)  nightmare is over.

I'm ready for my inception, Mr. DiCaprio.

Just a Few Things

As I was driving home yesterday, I got to thinking about Brynna's homework. She's done with it for the year, it seems. There's a week and a half left, but they are foregoing homework for the rest of the school year and Halle-freakin-lujah, I hate homework. I never hated homework when I was a kid, but I hate keeping on her and making her do it and the TEARS of spelling. I do remember crying over spelling, so maybe there's hope for her.

Anyway, she's signed every single thing she's turned in this second semester "Brynna T.I.P." For the uninitiated, T.I.P. apparently stands for The Ice Princess. I'm not sure where this came from or why she has decided to forever be remembered as The Ice Princess. In fact, months ago, I tried to talk her out of it. "Not everyone thinks that's a nice thing," I mentioned. "Ice, good. Princess, awesome. What's not to like?" was her typically teenagery reply. So, Brynna T.I.P. she has become.

She'll probably have forgotten about it next year or grown into some new phase and I am so terrified I'll forget this - her Ice Princess year. I was driving home thinking about all the things she has done that I thought were so precious (calling me MumMum, making up homework, insisting on "Dance Time" every night) and how very far away they all seem now.

I ought to write this down, I thought.

Like how when Maren gets mad, she puts her hand on her hip and says, "Here's the deal, mommy..." just like I do when I'm fed up with their shenanigans. How she gives me a little kiss every morning and I say, "No, I need a big smacky one," and she tries to give me the loudest possible kiss before I leave her for the day.

Like how Brynna hates to do chores but loves to help, so it's all in the wording. And how she wears pants under her skorts and says, "What? Now I'm warm," when I give her a look. How she's become suddenly obsessed with stories of when I was a little girl, reminding me of how thin my memory is because I can never think of ANYTHING.

Or how Maren's hair gets super-curly when it's wet or humid outside and she looks like Shirley Temple and I was surprised the other night washing her hair to realize just how long it's gotten. And how she wants so badly to help put away the groceries, but she tries to put everything in the freezer. Or how she's so grown up already that sometimes it just kills me to hear her talk.

Like how Brynna makes a big deal about story time every night even though she can read to herself perfectly well now. Or how she can't wait to get through Farmer Boy because there aren't enough girls. Or how she makes up songs that last for forty minutes.

It seems nearly impossible to hold all this in my head forever. And yet it seems impossible that I'll ever be able to forget. Brynna is already going on 14, in attitude if not in years and Maren is potty trained, knows her alphabet and physically capable of just about anything. Brynna is so tall and gangly already and so sure of herself and her place in the world. I am so proud every time I look at them, but also so filled to the brim with melancholy at how very quickly they are growing up. How much things change. How hard it is to listen beyond the screaming sibling fights and see them - my girls - in all their amazing glory.

Look at That - I'm Breathing

It's been a long week. What's that you say? It's Monday. Damn. It's been a long week anyway. Starting last week. Actually, starting the week before that.

Two Thursdays ago, I got sick. Very sick. Worrisome sick. Well, not really, but spent all day Friday and most of Saturday in bed sick. Then, I muddled through a week. I kept waiting to get better, but instead, I would develop one more symptom for every one that went away. At first I thought cold or flu, then I thought allergies, now I'm back to cold. But I just can't shake it.

I spent another weekend mostly in bed and today I wish I was there.

On the bright side, I'm breathing better today than I have since that fateful Thursday. The bad news is that my clogged ear induced deafness has began ringing. I hate a ringing in my ears almost worse than anything. It's also in my work phone ear. Don't pretend that you don't always use the same ear to answer the office phone. You do. I've no patience for that today.

Actually, I feel better than I have in quite a while, but I'm afraid to say that because I may be jinxing myself. Or perhaps I'm just being hypnotized by the ringing...