So, as you may have heard, maybe, I'm at Aiming Low NonCon this weekend. This morning DJ Paris was leading a discussion and he said, "Fear is what stops courage." This hit me like lightning on the Empire State Building. Fear cripples me. I was sitting at table terrified to talk. Fear is evil. And you gotta face it.
When people ask what I'm afraid of, I always say mice, which is true. I have an all out phobia of mice. I loathe mice. But it's also disingenuous because it doesn't tell you anything about me as a person. Except that I'm really afraid of mice.
So, in honor of facing my fear, today I present
Five Things that Scare the Pants off of Me
1. Being Alone - Not in the sense that I can't enjoy a night alone in the house, but more in the I'm terrified I'll die alone sense. There is something just really terrifying to me about the prospect of having no one to watch me die. No one to notice if you are gone. Which is ridiculous, because worst case scenario, my cats will notice that I'm not feeding them and decide to eat me instead.
2. Pissing People Off - I live in complete and utter fear of making people mad at me, which is kinda sad since I have very little in the way of internal filter. I walk this really uncomfortable balance beam where on one side I might fall and make someone mad and on the other side, I believe that you stand up or you might as well just sit down. Knowing myself means that I know I'm never going to have a really tough skin, so I'm never really going to get over not wanting people to be mad at me. But I also don't really back down. Here's the rock, there's the hard place. I brought a pillow.
3. Being Rejected - Here's the theory: if I hide out here, in this little corner and don't talk to anyone, then they won't remember me because I'm shy. If I stand out and talk and laugh and get loud and monopolize conversations (as I am wont to do) and they don't like me, then they really just don't like me. I want everyone to like me. Even the people I hate. Because I'm southern, that's why.
4. Silence - I'm sitting right now in this quiet hotel room, and I feel like my ears are going to explode. I sleep with the TV on. I am never comfortable without some sort of dull roar. What am I afraid of? I don't know. Maybe that I'll have to listen to all the crap in my head? Maybe that I won't be able to fill the silence? But I am going to get out my headphones very, very shortly.
5. Also... Mice... and zombies - Look, you ought to be afraid of things that carry diseases and will eat you while you are still alive. If I lived elsewhere, I am fairly positive I'd be afraid of sharks or grizzly bears. That should be a selling point for Kentucky. We'll put that on our tourism info: All you have to fear is mice and zombies. And we're well armed, so mostly just mice.
What are you down deep afraid of? What is the fear that kills your courage?
2 comments:
I'm afraid of some of those same things - mice, rejection, not being liked. I think growing up a female in the South has that effect. It's really hard to learn to assert yourself and care more about earning respect than being liked. I'm still working on that and I probably always will.
Also, mice are seriously gross.
I agree. I think southern women turn out one of two ways: super-confident Truvy types or girls who worry too much about being liked.
I also think it's gotten worse for me over the past couple of years. I'm still trying to figure out why.
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