I have this image in my head of who I want to be. She is glorious. She has a clean house, cooks well-balanced, healthy meals, including breakfast. She bakes fresh bread and makes clothes for her kids. She plays with them outside and walks to the park on a regular basis. She volunteers at her kids' schools and at church and she never misses an appointment or meeting.
She wears beautiful clothes and accessories and she's heavy, but not as heavy as I really am. She reads - lots - and crafts and plays scrabble on rainy afternoons. She always has fresh lemonade in the fridge and cookies in the cookie jar. Lest you think she's just Donna Reed, she's seen every horror movie ever made, knows more than any one person should about zombie mythology and is minorly obsessed with Charles Manson. She's a little rock and roll, is what I'm sayin'.
And I'm increasingly afraid that I'll never be her.
It seems like with every passing day, I'm a little less connected to who I want to be. And I'm trying to accept that. I'm trying to be okay with the idea of living in this life forever. Of failing at being both Donna Reed and rock and roll. Of being good enough.
I know how this sounds, it's sort of crazy-pants self-pitying, isn't it? And yes, I will admit to a certain amount of pity party here. But it's also just something I'm deal with.
I'm probably never going to have a perfectly clean house. Never. I may never master baking bread. My kids will probably never wear any of my creations. Except for that one sweater that Maren wore as a baby. Maybe scarves. And hair clippies. And maybe pop-tarts for breakfast will forever be balanced out by real dinners and lunches. Maybe I'll never be who I think I can be.
And maybe I will.
But the long and the short of it that I have to stop worrying about it so much right now. I have to learn to not beat myself up over every failure. To smile and accept that life is just this - doing the best you can. Or, as Dawson says in Dazed and Confused, "All I'm saying is that I want to look back and say... I had the most fun I could while I was stuck in this place." Let's just ignore everything else he ever said, shall we?