Rambling about Hats

You know what I love? Hats. I am a hat person. I think I look alright in a hat. Not like Audrey Hepburn good, but plenty fine. My preference is brimmed and floppy, but I can also rock a beret, a tam or a newsboy (which is sort of brimmed and sort of floppy). Or the occasional fedora. I may look ridiculous in a fedora, but here's the thing. I feel so fabulous it doesn't matter.

I don't wear hats for the same reason that I don't really do scarves. Because despite the fact that I think I look awesome, I still feel awkward. Like the word awkward, with all those "w's". I feel like everyone is staring at my hat. And being all judgey of my hat. And wondering what kind of idiot walks around in a hat like that.

Of course, when I see people out and about wearing hats, I never think that. I think, "Ah. What a cute hat! I wish I could rock a hat like that."

I'm working on my whole scarf issue. I am, in fact, wearing one right now. It's black and purple and of the infinity variety, which is my current favorite scarf variety. It turns out that the key to not feeling stupid in scarves is to wear them. More than once every blue moon. And just pretend you are comfortable until you are. Fake it 'til you make it, if you will.

I truly hope that the same things is true for hats, because as soon as I get this whole scarf thing down, I'm gonna start rocking the headware. In the meantime, I have incredible respect (mad props) for anyone who isn't afraid of hats. Really.

And yet, I have this thing about this one type of hat. Remember when you were a kid and you had something that was basically a stocking cap? It's purpose was to keep you warm, cover the tops of your ears and let you play in the snow. It was appealing on almost no one because it looked like a woolly condom on your head. You probably had one to match your mittens because they came in sets.

Apparently, now, they still make those, except they just make them longer, so now it looks like your head condom is on wrong because you have this fitted thing on your head and then a little flop of excess knit behind you.

I hate them.

Understand that I don't hate you if you wear one. Maybe you look awesome in it. I don't know. Also, all other floppy hats - totally cool. Also, the ones that are just a little floppy are actually fine. Those hats look way more comfortable than head-condom-hats and I kinda get it. I won't be purchasing one any time soon, but whatevs. I also don't wear skinny jeans, but I can appreciate the concept and what they do for that really long sweater thing you have.

Image courtesy of Disney.

This weekend, I was watching TV with my family (okay it was totally the Disney Channel movie, Radio Rebel. What? You don't watch Disney Channel movies? You are totally missing out.) Debby Ryan was wearing this ridiculous hat and I may have made a comment about how stupid it was. Then, I may have been totally embarrassed to learn that someone else in that room with me had a very similar hat.

 Just look at Debby Ryan, here, though. (What? You don't know who Debby Ryan is? She's totally a Disney star, yo.) Now, in this movie, she wears a lot of headware and most of it rocks. She has this little black brimmed hat that looks amazing on her. But this hat? Well, first of all, what is keeping this hat on her head? Sheer will? Bobby pins? Hair gel? Shouldn't it just slide right off the back, what with it being so far back on her head and clearly baring all of it's weight around her neck region? Plus, ew. That is all.

Here's the thing, though. I've mostly seen this look on girls, and girls' fashion is well... temporary. I can bear anything that comes out on the shelves for the half a second it'll last because I know that in six months the whole world will look at that hat and say, "How very early 2012! Wow."

Image courtesy of Bernat Yarns.

But then today I got an email from Bernat. (Seriously? You don't get emails from Bernat? Well, they make yarn and send me patterns so I'll want to buy said yarn. It's a thing.) And in this email was this picture. Of a guy. Wearing a floppy hat. Now, seriously, I cannot think of a situation where this would look acceptable. Sleeping in a tent in the tundra? Santa's grandson? Look at his face. This guy is thinking, "How much longer until I get to remove this ridiculous thing from my head. I want to go back to modelling Harry Potter scarves and trying to look casual while holding a crocheted messenger bag."

I just. I cannot get behind this trend. And I feel bad, because I'm clearly in the minority here. With the floppy hat hatred. And I'm sure that I wear something that all those floppy hat wearers think is bizarre. Someone right now is writing something scathing about my "dressy" Crocs. Or long dangly earrings. Or considering chapstick a make-up routine. And that's cool. I can agree to disagree on the hats and the chapstick. I can ignore the hat and say, "Hey, Debby. Love your top. And your hair looks great today," and just not mention the hat. And she can say, "Oooh, what a cute scarf," and not mention that my lack of lip color makes me look dead.

It's cool. But if I die today and you stick me in one of those hats, just know that I will haunt you. With rattly chains.