I have been really focused on the baby lately and really focused on not letting Brynna feel left out. And what dawned on me, I should have thought about months ago. I am going to be the mother of two kids.
Don't get me wrong, I think I pretty much have the only child mom thing down. It's not that I'm scared of kids or anything. I'm actually one of those weird masocists who LIKES kids, but I'm just not sure how I will deal with having siblings.
For one thing, I grew up without one. I mean, I have Duwayne and Duwayne is super-great, but let's face it, I was 13 when he was born. My sibling experience is more like an aunt experience. I don't know how siblings react or what siblings do. I understand that there may be fighting. When should I expect that? How much of it do I tolerate?
For another thing, Brynna has never had to compete. I mean, she is competitive. She does it all the time, but she has never HAD to compete. She is pretty laid back about her competitiveness if that makes any sense. I'm not so worried about around our house, because my husband and I are (hopefully) going to be prepared for this and ready to include her in every little thing. But what about everyone else. What happens when she isn't the cutest thing in pants anymore. (I mean let's face it, the kid is cute and she will always be, but people don't coo over the toddler with chocolate on their face like they do a shiny new baby.)
Finally, how much alone time with me or with dad should there be? Obviously, she needs to do stuff just me and her and just dad and her, and probably just Maren and her after a while, but how much? How much is too much and we don't feel like a family anymore and how much is just right so that everyone feels special and no one feels left out?
In short, I want to be perfect. I know, I know, get in line. But how do I do it. How do I make sure that the girls (did you hear that, girls - with an s - not just one) are happy and healthy and grow up to be well-adjusted, contributing, socially-involved adults? Is it even possible? Does everyone end up with their own brand of crazy, no matter what?
For the first time in this pregnancy, I'm scared. And it's not of the c-section, or of the recovery or of having a baby or even of losing a baby. It's of adjusting what I think is a pretty nice little life to be a life with two kids. Two sets of shows that someone wants to watch, two favorite foods, two piles of toys, two sizes of tiny socks to keep straight and mated up because apparently all kids socks have color on them somewhere. Two bath times, two bedtime stories, two pairs of mittens to get separated. I know that I will also have two kisses at bedtime, two school plays to watch proudly, two giggles and two hands to hold. I am not dreading it, I am looking forward to all the twos, but I am also terrified of them.