Have I mentioned lately that I'm stressed? If I haven't, it's because I haven't been around enough to say anything. I am stressed. Out. I am losing hair, losing sleep and losing my grip on reality. Yesterday, I broke down and sobbed in the parking lot of the grocery store because my stuff wasn't bagged correctly.* I do not do that. That is not me.
This is a combination of things. For starters, my job is... um... interesting right now. Secondly, my personal life seems to have suddenly gotten crazy. And finally, I think I'm just losing it. Yesterday, Maren patted me on the shoulder and said, "Mommy, you feel bad too much. You need to go to the doctor." Sure-sure. I'll get to that. Eventually.
In the meantime, I'm trying to make peace. I am putting a conscience effort into trying to carve out time to just be at peace with everything. Even if it's only a minute of peace, I'm trying to make myself be there and just enjoy it.
Last week, I brought my dog to work on Friday. I used to bring him a day or two a week, but I kinda quit when it got hot because I didn't want to go outside at noon to walk him.
All morning, he slept on the floor right behind my chair, where I could hear his slow, unbothered breathing. Then, at lunch time, we went for a walk around the pond. When we were well away from any other dogs, I let him off his leash and he ran and played and chased butterflies. On a couple of occasions, a mower or a golf cart would approach and I would call him and he'd come stand right at my side until I patted him to go on.
On the way back, we even stopped and sat in the grass to take a selfie.
That afternoon, he was a little less well-behaved, barking at all the other dogs in the building. And that night, he kept me up all night while he tried to guard dog a tent full of preteen birthday celebrants.
But that day, I had more peace than I'm used to.
I'm not sure if the lesson learned is that I need to never leave home without River or if it's that just being near peace makes me more peaceful. Maybe it's both. I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't change what's going on in my life right now. But maybe I can change my reaction to it.
*In my defense, I shop for three to four households every week and my big requirements for bagging is that you keep all our crap separate. I don't really think I'm asking for a lot here.