Conversations with a Five Year Old - Frustration Edition

Maren: I'm hungry.
Me: I know, but in just a little while, we're going to get ice cream for Papaw's birthday, so no snacks.
Maren: But I'm hungry now!
Me: But we're celebrating in a few minutes.
Maren: Hmph.
Me: You know, it's a big deal. Papaw survived another trip around the sun, we need to celebrate that.
Maren: No he didn't. It's just his birthday.
Me: Yeah, that's a figure of speech. That's what a birthday is. You lived another year and traveled around the sun again.
Maren: No, you didn't. You just stayed in the same place.
Me: Yes. You stayed in the same place on the Earth, but the Earth traveled around the sun. On its orbit.
Maren: No, it didn't.
Me: Yeah, it's like in school, when you have a birthday, you hold the globe and walk around the sun candle to signify that you've been around the sun again.
Maren: That's school. We don't do that with our family.
Me: I know. What I'm trying to say is that you do that at school to signify something that really happens.
Maren: No it doesn't. The Earth does not move.
Me: Yes, it does. Remember the solar system model at school and the planets all have an orbit and they go around the sun. It's science.
Maren: NO, IT'S NOT. That's just a Montessori thing, it's not real life.
Me: Baby, the stuff you learn in Montessori is real. You learn it differently from kids in other kindergartens, but it's still real stuff.
Maren: NO. It's not. It's not real, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not.
Me: I think you're getting too upset. Maybe we should talk about this later.
Maren: Maybe I should have a SNACK!
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In the car:
Maren: (high pitched dog-whistle-esque scream)
Me: What's wrong?
Maren: I think my seatbelt cut my earring in half.
Me: What?
Maren: The seatbelt got caught on my earring and I got it loose, but I think it cut the flower off.
Me: Okay. I'll see if I can fix it when we get to school.
Maren: What am I supposed to do now?
Me: Don't worry about it.
Maren: Should I hold the back into my ear. I'm doing that, but it hurts a little.
Me: What?
Maren: The back.
Me: Do you have the back.
Maren: Yeah, I'm holding it into my ear.
Me: You don't have to do that, just don't lose it.
Maren: But what if my hole closes.
Me: It won't. Not between here and school.
Maren: But it might. I'm not getting them pierced again. It was terrible. I don't know why anyone does that. You don't have to have pierced ears, you know.
Me: Yeah, I know that.
Maren: Then why did you make me do it?
Me: Because you wanted to and you were showing enough responsibility that I thought you could handle keeping your ears clean and healthy. I was right about that, but if I were psychic and I had known how much you would complain about it, I would never have done it.
Maren: Here it is. I found my earring. It was on my shirt.
Me: Good. Just hold onto it.
Maren: What if my ear hole has started to close up and the earring won't go in and it hurts when you try.
Me: It won't.
Maren: Can I just have one ear pierced.
Me: It's fine. Quit worrying about it. Your ear is fine and you are fine and it won't hurt and everything is absolutely fine!
Maren: Don't yell at me. I'm very upset and fragile.
Ten minutes later... Literally.
Maren: That didn't hurt.
Me: I told you so.
Maren: Awww. You're not supposed to say that. It's disrespectful.