Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Getting Used to It

Remember when you got married (assuming you are married)? Remember how it took a while to get used to? To writing a new name, to waking up with someone next to you, to thinking twice about what to make for supper or where to go on vacation?

Well, it turns out that the reverse is true, too. You have to get used to not doing those things.

Some of those things are easier. As a self-professed bed-hog, I'm quite content alone in the bed, thankyouverymuch. Some of those things don't apply. I'm keeping the name and you still actually have to think about feeding kids.

And seven months into this, I'm pretty much settled. I don't really think too much about things like coming home to an empty house or being the sole person in charge of waking up in tornado weather anymore. Other things like washing dishes are still a struggle. (Ten years of not doing a job affects your ability, not so much to do the job, but to remember that it is, in fact, a job and kinda needs doing.)

And all those compromises you make to live with another human being - pretty much out the window. Sleeping with the TV on and saving the bathroom rugs for company - FTW!

There are still things I have to learn to do. I'm still adapting to the girls being gone from me so much. I still don't so much know how to talk to people. I don't know what to say when they ask questions or say they are sorry.

The biggest challenge to my adjustment, though, is me. I feel sometimes like I've put everything on hold. I just feel like if I can get through until everything is finalized... If I can keep making it until summer comes... If I can keep on trucking until tomorrow...

For a long time I went to bed as soon as the kids were tucked in. Not that I slept that much. I went and watched TV and read and even did crafts in bed. I checked out movies from the library and ate snacks and treated my bed like a couch. I only lived in the living room when the girls were there to live with me. Otherwise, I was locked away in my bedroom. Just recently, I've come to understand that part of my mess (the literal house mess) comes from the fact that I turn out the lights as soon as little fingers stop pulling out everything in the free world.

Now, I force myself to stay up, even it's just to watch TV in a different room. Building habits, yo.

I stopped reading for a while. I'm over that. I'm still not as voracious as I was before, but I'm catching up. My new toy helps and so does my new bookclub. My crafting has slowed down and my housecleaning, well... Best not to discuss that. On the other hand, I'm nearly caught up on laundry for the first time in a century.

Slowly, but surely, though, I'm getting back to normal. I'm getting used to all the things. And it's not bad. It's just a matter of adjustment.


ann said...

Praying for you. Love you. Thrilled you've found a new book club.

Jadzia@Toddlerisms said...

When I was first on my own (with a toddler son), it was VERY hard to get out of that "collapse after the baby goes to bed" groove I'd been in.

On the other hand, I got used to having the house just the way I wanted it VERY very quickly. So quickly that for several years I could not even conceive of wanting to share a household again.