Some days are better than others. Today, I woke up wanting to curl into a ball and cry. No reason. Well, no particular reason. A bunch of reasons. All the reasons. It doesn't matter so much why, though. Right now, it's the what the matters.
And the what is a box of tissues, a warm bed, a tear-jerker movie and window-rattling sobs. I need catharsis, I need purging, I need to be cleaned out and left empty and clean. I need to get up tomorrow feeling like I can start over from scratch, because scratch is where I am.
Today, I feel filled up with anxiety and worry, fear and sadness, grief and longing. And I need that out and the only way I know to get that out is a good hard cry.
There are few things in life that can't be solved by one of three things: crying, salsa or margaritas. The trifecta could probably bring out world peace. Well, that and naps. I have this whole theory about naps and world peace. But tonight, what I need is crying.
And tomorrow, I have no doubt, nothing will have changed in my life. My problems will still be the same, my challenges unaltered, my failures just as apparent and my losses just as great. But I will be different. I will be made whole by breaking down.
A phoenix needs ashes to rise.
I feel like this every once in a while. It could just be personality, or maybe everyone is like this. Maybe there's something wrong with me - but if there is, it's at least very manageable. I spend most of these "some days" putting on my happy face and telling funny stories, relating tidbits and laughing when I can. I cover up my gloom, because I don't want the world to bear it with me. Partially because that's unfair and partially because I know that no amount of sharing will lessen this load.
But today I read this and I agree that it's good to talk about the good things. It's good to feel the joy and the thankfulness and the love and the wholeness. It's good to see the glass half full and the night half over. I don't however agree (with the comments, not so much Kristen whose point is that people should be allowed to be happy) that it's somehow not good to talk about the bad things.
There is darkness in the world. Deep, penetrating, soul-chilling darkness. And it's perfectly fine to revel in the light, but to ignore the darkness only gives it strength. To quit talking about the sad things, the upsetting things, the hurtful things - opens the door for those things to grow bigger and bigger and steal what's left of the light.
I think about how many problems we've solved and lessened by talking about them. Talking about a thing (or blogging about a thing) gives you power to shape it. The power to tell others it's okay. To hold it in your hand, crumple it in your fist and rule over the evil instead of the other way around.
After all, a phoenix needs ashes to rise.