Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Is the Night Half Over or Half Begun?

Some days are better than others. Today, I woke up wanting to curl into a ball and cry. No reason. Well, no particular reason. A bunch of reasons. All the reasons. It doesn't matter so much why, though. Right now, it's the what the matters.

And the what is a box of tissues, a warm bed, a tear-jerker movie and window-rattling sobs. I need catharsis, I need purging, I need to be cleaned out and left empty and clean. I need to get up tomorrow feeling like I can start over from scratch, because scratch is where I am.

Today, I feel filled up with anxiety and worry, fear and sadness, grief and longing. And I need that out and the only way I know to get that out is a good hard cry.

There are few things in life that can't be solved by one of three things: crying, salsa or margaritas. The trifecta could probably bring out world peace. Well, that and naps. I have this whole theory about naps and world peace. But tonight, what I need is crying.

And tomorrow, I have no doubt, nothing will have changed in my life. My problems will still be the same, my challenges unaltered, my failures just as apparent and my losses just as great. But I will be different. I will be made whole by breaking down.

A phoenix needs ashes to rise.

I feel like this every once in a while. It could just be personality, or maybe everyone is like this. Maybe there's something wrong with me - but if there is, it's at least very manageable. I spend most of these "some days" putting on my happy face and telling funny stories, relating tidbits and laughing when I can. I cover up my gloom, because I don't want the world to bear it with me. Partially because that's unfair and partially because I know that no amount of sharing will lessen this load.

But today I read this and I agree that it's good to talk about the good things. It's good to feel the joy and the thankfulness and the love and the wholeness. It's good to see the glass half full and the night half over. I don't however agree (with the comments, not so much Kristen whose point is that people should be allowed to be happy) that it's somehow not good to talk about the bad things.

There is darkness in the world. Deep, penetrating, soul-chilling darkness. And it's perfectly fine to revel in the light, but to ignore the darkness only gives it strength. To quit talking about the sad things, the upsetting things, the hurtful things - opens the door for those things to grow bigger and bigger and steal what's left of the light.

I think about how many problems we've solved and lessened by talking about them. Talking about a thing (or blogging about a thing) gives you power to shape it. The power to tell others it's okay. To hold it in your hand, crumple it in your fist and rule over the evil instead of the other way around.

After all, a phoenix needs ashes to rise.


Joni said...

I think you are very, very correct that it's ok, in fact GOOD, to talk about the hard things too. I 100% agree that feeling like you have to hide them just gives them strength and makes your own burden heavier. You feel like you're the only person who feels like you do, and maybe there's something wrong with you. But if you talk about it, then other people will identify and you start realizing that you all are dealing with the same crap. So then you learn that it's not so weird that you have some days, for example, that you just need to cry really really hard. I have those days too. And I bet it's not just you and me. So then look, we're normal! Ah, now I don't feel so down. And I'm glad someone talked about it because now we all feel better. :)

Christy B said...

Jess, your phoenix (and boy do I love that reference :D) will be beautiful when it does rise. It will be a shining example to all who see you. I have faith in you. I have faith that you will not only overcome your hardships, but that you WILL make a difference, even if it is only to those around you, those who you reach out to through your blog, and those you come across every day. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. And like a phoenix, glass is tempered through fire to make it stronger. Change is a good thing. Embrace the things that make you happy (or the people) and look at the ones that don't to see if they hold the potential to make you happy. A butterfly knows when it's time to come out of the crysalis, but for us with feelings, it's not so cut and dry. Find peace. Talk to God/angels/spirits because even though they don't talk back, their presence is comforting. Find happiness. It's so underrated. And don't forget to lean. Lean on your family, they will always be there for you. Lean on your friends, because sometimes family just isnt enough. And lean on your faith. Those three (to me) are the holy trinity of leaning. And they hold you up when you feel as if you can't stand any longer. You know how to reach me if you want to lean.

Jessi said...

Thanks so much!