Friday, January 7, 2011

Five Things on Friday - Terrible Music Edition

I just ran out to get lunch, wracking my brain about my Five Things, when lo and behold - "Total Eclipse of the Heart," came on the radio. I cranked that sucker up and sang like I was trying to blow out my lungs. I adore that song. And so, was born today's Five Things.

Before we begin, though, I'm going to have to define "terrible." Terrible music to me has lyrics that are either so trite they could have been written by monkeys or make no sense whatsoever. Terrible music also has nothing really to offer in the music department. It doesn't have to sound like Brynna playing Rock Band, it just has to be sort of ho-hum. Oh, and overproduced helps. Nothing makes a song more terrible than overproduction.

Now, if you read one of these songs below and think "Well, that's not terrible at all," you should realize that first of all, I'm admitting to loving it, so you can't get that mad about it. And also, it's all subjective. Feel free to defend something though. I might just be amused. So, with no further ado, I present:

Five Terrible Songs that I LOVE!

1. Total Eclipse of the Heart - Honestly, all you have to do is look at Bonnie Tyler's hair and know that this is a terrible song. When the male voice starts chiming in with the "Turn around" bits, you know you are in for it. But when she said, "Every now and then I fall apaaaart," I dare you to not bust out with it, too. And the "I'm livin' in a powder keg and puttin' off sparks." Okay, terrible, but also wonderful. Ah, Bonnie Tyler, forever always starts tonight, but I love you anyway.

2. All Star - For a while, I thought I loved to hate this song. I mean, what's with all the stuff about global warming? And it was everywhere, wasn't it? But then it kinda faded and now when I do hear it, I can (and do) sing along with every single word and get a little dancey. I look forward to it. In short, I wanted to be all superior, but I kinda love it.

3. Pack Up - This past weekend, I watched Eliza Doolittle on Graham Norton and fell in love. After some Googling, I realized that I was really only in love with that one song. And it was awful. Really, truly awful. And yet, I can't quit singing it. I have probably listened to it 20 times this week. It's infectious. In fact, it should be quarantined. Also - and I know this has nothing to do with the quality of music - but also, what is she wearing? That is the most terrible dress (?) in the history of the world. Yes, it beat out the swan dress. And as if that weren't bad enough, the pairing with the shoes. And that thing she does with her shoulders. But whatever. Infectious.

4. Kodachrome - If anyone is going to argue, I expect it to be about Paul Simon. I mean, Paul Simon. He's brilliant, right? But honestly, it made more sense when I thought he was begging his mother not to throw out his clothes.

5. Punk Boy - I hesitate to include "Punk Boy," by Ash because I think it's brilliant. (Oh, and yes, I know it's a cover, no I do not like the original. Sorry.) However, in college I dated that guy. You know, because almost all of us dated that guy. Unless you are a straight male or a gay female and then you probably hated that guy. Or hung out with that guy because of all the girls around him. Anyway, singer-songwriter, horrible person. I excused most of his atrocious behavior because he was tortured. Or something. (You have to grow up to understand that you are not tortured by virtue of being an artist.) He hated this song. I sang this song morning, noon and night and it made him crazy. Finally, in one of his moods, he demanded that I name ONE redeeming quality this song had. After a few minutes of pondering, I responded, "It makes me happy." I'm pretty sure that doesn't count in musical terms, but it counts in Jessi terms. A few days ago, I cranked this so loud in my house that the walls shook and Maren, Brynna and I danced until we fell over. It still makes me happy.

And please, please, share your favorite bad songs. We can commiserate. And I can feel better about my apparent dearth of musical tastes.


Jenn-Jenn, the Mother Hen said...

All my favorite "terrible" songs are from the 80's - TEotH is on my list, so is "Tainted Love", "She Bop" and a slew of others I'd hate to admit to. :-)

Jamie Roberts said...

love this list, may have been inspired to make my own list. i'm long overdue to update my blog :)

Jessi said...

Oh, my. I love Tainted Love. I'm not sure I'd call it terrible, though... The 80's was full of terrible music, but we sure love it all the same.

Ady said...

Ok...I only knew the first song. I've got no clue what the other songs were. Just shows how different we are...takes me back to the days when we lived together and requested BYE BYE Mrs. American Pie on the oldies station...I miss those days. All of my favorite terrible songs are pop songs like ALL of Lady Gaga and Ke$ha. I love the beat but the words are...yes terrible. Oh and don't forget could you not love songs that are so terrible that they talk about a tear in my beer or take your cat but leave my sweater! LOL! Love it!

Jessi said...

Ady - I have to admit that that "take your cat but leave my sweater" is one of my favorite song lines of all time - right up there with "there she was, like disco lemonade."

I thought about country songs, but I thought that almost needed its own five...

Mrs. Allroro said...

I contest the paul simon pick--I think the intro is good music. :-)

Jessi said...

As is your right, Mrs. A. As is your right.

Tessa said...

I'm with Adrien...I'm lost after the first song, but my only "beef" with songwriters is when they actually use food in their lyrics. Honestly, you can't listen to a country music station for more than 30 minutes without someone singing something about food or drinks. Ridiculous. The Zac Brown Band has single-handedly made me want to give up fried chicken and luckily I already don't care for a cold beer or they would have ruined that, as well. But the absolute worst for me is Toby Keith's "Beer for My Horses". Ugghhh. Seriously. I get the patriotic theme behind it all, but is that all you could come up with? Someone get the man a thesaurus and teach him the simplicity of a metaphor. You don't have to be so simple-minded all the time and on top of that, find a better hook. The music is boring and the tone monotonous. I know tomorrow, I'll think of 10 more songs, not even including the wonderous works of Mr. Buffett, that refer to some good ol' Southern comfort foods.