Thursday, August 26, 2010

I am a Ball of Unhappiness

I've been a bummer lately. I know I have. When I'm not whining about how bad I feel or how broke I am or how crazy my life is, I am totally phoning it in. Like yesterday. Man, that was weak. New hair and all.

The thing is... The thing is, that's all I've got right now. I am sinking into what I can only call a deep depression (although I hate to throw that word around because I don't think it's the clinical kind). But I'm not sad, I'm just depressed. I'm just struggling to get through tomorrow.

Part of my problem is money. I hate to talk about money, so aside from a few offhanded comments about my brokeness, I tend to just leave it, but with The Husband STILL not having a "real, grown-up" job and working part time, we are really, seriously suffering. Staring at Brynna's birthday money and trying to figure out a way to not give it to the babysitter this week kind of suffering. No one wants to hear about that stuff and I don't want to talk about it, but the stress. You cannot imagine the stress. Unless you can, and then you have my undying sympathy because this sucks. I've stressed over money before, plenty, but never for six straight months with no let up. I haven't signed up for PTO yet because I can't come up with the 15 pathetic bucks I need for that.

I had $120 saved for my GRE and I was waiting for the bank account to even out and then I was going for it, only after a series of small disasters, I'm down to $50. So, I'm also feeling desperate about this big change I want to make, feel like I need to make, but am afraid to make, because, what if, what if, what if.

At the same time, I feel like I need to go back to the endocrinologist, but I kinda grew to hate my endocrinologist, with his, "You're CURED! I'm sorry if you don't feel any better, maybe you should seek psychiatric help, because I am looking at your numbers and you are CURED!" attitude, but I don't have the time, energy or all-important finances to look for a new one. Plus, I am about to lose my health insurance, so I don't want to start something if I'm just gonna have to call and say, "Sorry, uninsured lady can't come anymore."

I very much feel like this isn't the life I ever imagined for myself. I don't want to bore anyone with a fit of nostalgia, where I remember how awesome I used to be, but nothing in my early record of breezy successes and effortless triumphs has prepared me for this level of struggle. I feel unprepared.

The last time I felt so beset upon by the forces of evil, I ended up leaving Kansas. It was a tough decision, but it was one which was met by unreserved support by my family and ultimately turned out to be the right thing to do.

Since then, I've come to associate this feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest as a signal that something has got to change, and change big. I literally feel like God is pushing me to the point where I feel like I'm going to break to make sure I get the message that I have to do something.

Only this time, I don't know what to do. Leaving Kansas was tough, because I loved my school, I loved my friends and I loved my life there, but it was also easy, because other than leaving an amazing set of people behind, I had nothing left. My extra-curriculars had been cut, my job had been cut, my "focus area" of my major had been cut. The only thing holding me there was the fact that I desperately wanted to be there.

I left a job under the same circumstances, once. It just got worse and worse until I couldn't stand it anymore and at the same time I was reasonably sure that I could go literally next door and get a management job with more money and less standing. Which is big to me. I will walk, I will run, I will carry stuff or whatever, but I hate standing.

But this time, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like screaming into the wind, "Just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it. I'm so tired. So very, very tired."

And the point of this is what? I don't know. I don't expect a bunch of sympathy. I'm not really into that any way. It makes me feel all blushy and weird. And I don't really want advice, although if you want to give it, I won't attack you or anything.

I feel like you guys deserve an explanation for the downess that's been going on over here lately. And an apology.

I promise, tomorrow, I have something very funny planned. Long live Friday, peoples!


Jenn-Jenn, the Mother Hen said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Been (am) there, done (doing) that. I'm praying for you and sending you big hugs!

Suze said...

Holding you in the light. Always.

You are awesome and always will be.