Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Mother's Day Hints

I have been reading various mom's wish lists for Mother's Day. Mostly my family knows what makes me happy (flowers, of the potted variety, books, yarn, watches, cheap jewelry, shoes...)

But I thought I might post a list of what ALL moms would love someone to invent and produce in honor of Mother's Day. All you geniuses, get on that.

1. Infant Babble Translator (IBT) - Not just so we can ooh and ahh over how cute it was when she said "Mommy woo hair shiny" but so we can tell why the heck they're crying, whether on not they feel sick and why they have suddenly decided to never eat cereal again.

2. Tranquility Bubble - This state-of-the-art plastic bubble is equipped with a comfy chair, a cozy blanket and the book of your choice. Guaranteed to not allow in sound, sight or smell of children or husbands.

3. The Caffeine IV - for when we are too tired from being up all night with the crying baby to even drink.

4. The Perfect TV Show - A show with no sex, no cussing and no violence that is both interesting to Mom and compelling to kids.

5. The Laundromatic - Yes, I really do appreciate the invention of the washing machine and how much it has revolutionized life (especially for women) but I want more. I want my laundry sorted and folded automatically, too. And quietly, please.

6. Artificial Sleep - We have all accepted years ago that we will lose sleep over our children. Now, we want to replace it. Preferably in pill form.

7. That Brain Computer Interface - We've been promised this thing through Sci-Fi novels for generations and still no dice. I want to be able to search through a database all inside my mind and say, "Hi Sara! How's Lilli doing?" without totally stumbling through, Oh, you're Brynna's friend's mom. Which friend, which friend... Who are you woman!?!

8. World Peace - Sure peace is good for everyone, but just think how much easier life would be for moms if we didn't have to explain violence to our kids. If we were never again asked, "Well, why don't they just stop fighting and be nice to each other?"

9. The teleportation device - This is another object we have been promised for generations that we still don't have. Just think, not only would a teleportation device free up that 2-3 hours a day most moms spend in their cars, but it would also eliminate the sentence, "Mom, are we there yet?" from the world's vocabulary forever.

10. Teenager Angst Translator (TAT) - Much like the popular IBT, the TAT lets you know what's really important in all that prattle. It also translates that annoying slang into real words and has a special alert signal for when your teenagers are speaking to you in special disrespectful teenage slang.


Orlandel said...

While you're asking for translators - how about the HST - Husband Speak Translator? It would translate all those uh-huh and misc. grunts into meaningful sentences, as in "Yes, dear, I did hear you and will take the trash out immediately."

Strangeite said...

While I am not a Mom, both Sophie and I love Wallace and Gromit.

Jessi said...

Yeah, I haven't introduced the girls to Wallace and Gromit yet, but I wouldn't mind that automatic dressing machine thing either. Have you seen the cartoon on Disney channel about Shaun? It's precious. And without dialog completely, which is so relaxing after a half hour of the Wiggles.

Strangeite said...

I love Shaun the Sheep. But then again, I am not sure that Nick Park could do anything that I wouldn't enjoy.