Her Bad Mother pointed out something I have been feeling lately: too many babies are dying. Maddie and Thalon in my bloggy community. More on the news and more all around me. I don't deal well with it. I mean, no one should and I don't think anyone does, but it really just haunts me more than it did before I lost my Ethan.
Her Bad Mother asked if faith made it easier or harder to deal with loss, though, and that's what I want to answer. For me, at least, because I can't speak for everyone or even anyone else.
It seems almost like the time to be thinking about it since Easter just ended and I've all been thinking about death and resurrection and how to teach a four year old about what Easter really means without scaring her to death and giving her crucifixion nightmares.
I know, from the depths of my soul I know, that I would not have survived losing Ethan if I had not had my faith. I know that The Husband and I wouldn't still be married if we didn't have that faith between us and I know that I would never, never have been able to go on and have my darling angel daughters.
I, actually, don't understand how people move through life with children at all without faith in something. I can't fathom getting up and fighting those kid fights: school, sickness, hurt feelings, bad behavior, without knowing that it's all for something.
For me, that's what faith boils down to. It's believing in a purpose. I may not always see it, in fact, I rarely do, but I know it's there. I know that there is a reason that I lost Ethan. I don't understand it, but I know it's true. I also know that if there were an easier way, a more painless way to accomplish whatever his death accomplished, he'd still be here.
I know that things happen the way they do because there is a plan. That plan doesn't remove my responsibility for my own actions. I still determine by my behavior, how my kids will turn out, what will happen to me, etc, etc. But, I know that I can't screw up the end result. No matter what I do, God will find a way around it and the plan will still come to fruition.
I know that the plan is good. Whatever it is, it is leading to somewhere good. We all have to suffer for that, but it'll be worth it in the end.
When I was little, we did an exercise in Sunday School to demonstrate that no one really knows what heaven is like. We were each asked to describe our heaven. Our perfect place. We were kids, so there was a lot of pizza, a lot of friends, family, dogs, sunshine, music, etc. My heaven has changed. I believe that if we get to pick our own heavens, if I get any say in what it'll be like with all of eternity washing before me, I will see the plan. I will get to look down on it, so to speak and see all the intricacy, all the cause and effect, all of the movement from one place to another. I will understand why good people die young, why we have to lose babies, why Ethan was taken from me and why the answers are so hard to find. I will understand why people are so often imprisoned in their own minds and bodies and why suffering exists in the first place. Because I want to understand it all.
I will also hold my son. I will cradle him and tell him face to face for the very first time that I love him and that I missed him and that I will never, NEVER, let him go. For all of eternity.
And no matter what happens, no matter how bad things get, no matter how much I hurt and ache, I know, I KNOW that I will get that. And that is what keeps me moving. What gives me the strength to continue at all.