Today is my last divorce landmark date. (I think. I mean, I'm making most of this up as I go along.) Today is the one year anniversary of finally final. One year ago today, while I was working or something and not even realizing what was going on, a judge in an office somewhere decided that it was okay for the Ex and I to get a divorce and signed off on everything. It was finalized. And that became one of my favorite words in the English language.
Although, this past year hasn't been all that different from the year before it, I do feel a sense of accomplishment. This past year has been rough. Money has been tight and time has been tighter. I've had my ups and downs and my messes and disasters.
But I can't honestly claim to have survived this last year. I have thrived this last year. I've found myself and my home. I've taken control. I'm becoming not just the me I was before the divorce, but more of the me I was before the marriage.
A couple of weeks ago, Brynna asked me when I was going to start dating. I shrugged.
"But Daddy has a girlfriend."
"Yeah, but I don't have to do what Daddy does."
"But don't you want a boyfriend?"
"Not necessarily. I'm not opposed to the idea, but I don't want just any old boyfriend. I'm willing to wait because I'm happy with the way things are."
I'm not sure she gets it, but that's okay. The important part for right now is that I get it.
I stayed in a situation that made me unhappy for a lot longer than I should have. Because I was stubborn and I thought I could fix anything... But also because I thought I needed him. I thought I needed someone.
Turns out, I do. I need my family. I need my friends. I need my girls. And I need me. The real me, not the me I put on like a fancy dress to keep the arguments to a minimum. But I don't need him.
And knowing that brings me great peace.