I told someone recently that I need some more divorced friends. She asked why.
The answer is kind of simple: I just need someone to get it without me saying it. I need someone to know that if I say I have to go, then I have to go, because I may seriously need to get back to my kids. I need someone who understands that sometimes silence is golden and bliss and sometimes it is black and cancerous.
I don't hang out and be sociable much, but when I do, I run into a lot of the same things over and over again. My least favorite is the "My Husband Sucks" game. This is the one where all the ladies sit around the table and trade stories of the stupid things their husbands did. It's funny. I played on occasion before. But there are two reasons why I hate it now: 1. I win. No one wants to win; and 2. It always ends with a round of sweet things about them so that everyone understands that you really do love your husband. I can't play this round at all. At all. I could say something nice, but I probably wouldn't mean it and even if I did, the point is "I love him anyway," and well, not so much.
This weekend, if you are curious, was rough. The girls were gone, of course, because it was Father's Day and he's the father and it's just the right way for things to be. And I was... lonely, I guess. I'm not always lonely on the weekends they are gone. The truth is that I look forward to all weekends equally. I'm happy to have them home with me and I'm happy to sleep late and eat an ice cream sandwich for lunch. (Not that I ever do that.)
But this weekend, for some reason, the house wasn't peaceful, it was oppressive. I meant to do things, I had great intentions, but mostly I watched movies and hid from myself.
I'm not miserable. I'm not even unhappy. The truth is that I am happier now than I have been in a long time. I have not one single time regretted the divorce, regretted any choice that either of us has made since August 22, 2011. Plus, I am rockin' this single mom gig.
But that doesn't mean that I don't have rough days.
It doesn't mean that sometimes I'd like to just not talk and have another person hear all the things I'm not saying.
If there is one thing that I miss about having the Ex around, it's that we had this vast shared past. We could have entire conversations out of single words, because we knew all the rest. And that is what I feel like I need right now. Someone who gets it without explanation. At least this one little part of it.
I know I'm rambling. I'm rambling, because it's hard for me to talk about the rough times. It's hard for me to admit that I am not 100% on top of everything. It's hard for me to put into words what I feel without making it sound like I'm so saaaaad alllllll the tiiiiiiime. I'm not. I'm sad today. A little.
But, I'm here, putting fingers to keyboard because I feel this is an important part of the journey. This needs to be said. Some days, I'm not just alone. Some days, I'm lonely. Some days the quiet sucks. Some days the house is huge. Some days the nights are interminable. Some days there is no one but me.
And that's okay. Because it's not all days. Or even most days.
But yeah, some days...