Rules for the Pool

Today I took Brynna to a birthday party at our local public pool. We have a pretty impressive indoor public pool, that I've never been to before today. There's one large pool with lanes for swimming laps and a large diving area. Then there's the other pool, the pool we were in. It has a huge kiddy pool area with 3 large fountains to play in, a lazy river, a whirlpool and a huge water slide. As you can imagine, on a weekend day in Kentucky, the pool wasn't exactly dead. I would never think about going swimming in January, but apparently there are a lot of people who like to think it's summer.

Being at the pool and not having to worry about how terrible I look in a bathing suit (because I was hanging out on the side in my tennies and sweater with the other fuddy duddy parents) and having to only cursorily watch Brynna because she was surrounded by friends and parents and friends and lifeguards, too, I had time to watch people in an unfamiliar habitat.

I am not a pool person. As afore mentioned, I don't really like for people to see me in a bathing suit. In fact, I'm not sure I own one. I mean, I have a maternity suit and while I could get away with wearing a lot of my maternity clothes if I were so inclined, I don't think I have the belly to hold up the two piece I have. I also have just never lived that life. My mom is deathly afraid of water. I didn't inherit the fear, but I did inherit the inability to do more than the dead man's float.

I've just never really watched people at the pool before is what I'm getting at here. So, I have some observations. Understand that none of this should be taken as judgey, because trust me, I would have looked at least twice as bad as the worst looking person there, but people should really emphasize what they got. And people, for the most part, weren't.

So, here are a few tips on bathing suits and how to wear them, from someone who doesn't ever wear one, ever. EVAH!

1. Very few people can pull off a string bikini. You have to have a small enough chest that you don't need the support, because the ties shouldn't look pulled across your back. But you need a little cleavage or you look like a five year old in a bikini. It's weird. Also, you need a butt. Not a big bottom, but enough that it doesn't droop. Because drooping with strings look like it's just not tied tight enough.

2. Don't wear clothes to the pool. I don't care what you look like in a suit. You look better in a suit than in shorts and a wet clingy tee shirt. You see bathing suits were made to get wet, so they do it better than tee shirts, which were not made to get wet. If you feel like you need something like shorts, then invest in board shorts. They make them for a reason. I promise.

3. While a skirt can be slimming and a swim dress can trim more weight than a scalpel, a regular suit with ruffles stuck all over the abdomen is going to make you look pregnant.

4. Do not bring your baby to the pool until they can hold their heads up. Seriously. There's a reason that you couldn't find a premie sized suit.

5. Step in the three way. I can't tell you how many people looked great in their suit from the front and like they were wearing their kid's suit from behind. I'm not sure if that's an epidemic in people or in suit manufacturing, but there's a three way mirror for a reason. Use it.

So, in a completely judge-free zone, what tips do you have for the bathing suit shoppers in the ether?