Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Am I THAT Girl?

Tonight at bookclub one of my friends said something about all her Facebook friends who still live in the same town they lived in when they were in high school, still hang out with the same people and basically have the same life.

"Oh my goodness, that's me!" Of course, everyone argued with me. (Mainly because I didn't go to high school with any of them.)

But I had to think, is that me? Am I that person that I always swore I would never become. I spent a good deal of my time in high school and college daydreaming about my mountain in Vermont, where I would live and write and be a hermit and order in my groceries. Or about living in Seattle, wallowing in the dreary rain and grunge music and the anonymity of a big city. Or even about the coffee shop (xPatriot) that I would open in Canada. But no matter where I dreamed of, I swore I would leave my home town. I would venture out. I would GO!

And here I am, still at home. Living in the house my mom lived in just five years ago. Hanging out at the same places, shopping in the same store. Taking my kids (who I swore I'd never have) to the same park where I spent many a late night revolving on the merry-go-round (now gone) having aforementioned daydreams.

I don't hang out with the same people, but (see yesterday's entry) I don't really hang out. Which is probably why I get so un-naturally excited for bookclub.

I guess to some extent I am that person. But I now understand that it's not quite as sad as I once thought. I chose this life. For all of it's shortcomings, I picked it and it has just as many perks as shortcomings.

I sometimes think about my big quiet mountain in Vermont and the friendly delivery boy who brings me my groceries and a little town gossip and it seems so peaceful. So amazing and beautiful and separate. But then it seems like a different kind of quiet. The kind where kids never laugh and people never wisper in the dark.

And my nice anonymous, rainy Seattle seems so dreary and romantic. And then it just seems dark and sad.

I don't think I gave up anything when I chose this life. I cashed in my old dreams for some new ones. Better ones. Ones where I have family around me and kids in the living room and neighbors and church and bookclub.

They are different dreams, but they are still mine.

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