Five Things on Friday - Nobody Could Have Told Me Edition

I started out this week's missive by trying to think of things I wished I had been told. You know, like, don't eat anything with mayonnaise form a gas station. But, then I realized that someone probably did tell me that, along with warnings about every other stupid thing I've ever done. Which made me realize, it's not about what people tell you, it's about what you listen to. So, without further ado:

Five Things You Probably Told Me, But I Was Busy Being Stupid
(Hey, at least I learned it eventually.)

1. You never know - I don't know how many times I've heard this and the upshot is that you just never know what's going to happen. You don't know if you'll be alive tomorrow, if people you love will be alive tomorrow, if we'll all be invaded by aliens or if the Earth will suddenly swing off orbit and drift away from the sun. Make plans, but never be too rigid. You can't possibly prepare for everything, but be as prepared as you can. Don't ever feel bad about the turn of events your life has taken. Roll with it.

2. It's never as bad as you anticipate - If you had looked at the fresh-faced, sparkly 18 year old me and told me everything looming in my future, I would have cried. I wouldn't have thought I was strong enough. But it comes in little pieces and it hurts, but as Kelly Clarkson was screaming on my radio this morning, it just makes you stronger. Just in time for the next disaster, sometimes, but whatevs. I'm stronger today than yesterday and I'll be stronger still tomorrow. That's how it works, a little at a time. And that way, the hurt is all manageable.

3. Enjoy it all - So many things I wish I enjoyed more. I wish I had never once worried about my weight as a teenager or a young adult, or heck last week. I wish I had gone out every time I was asked. I wish I had seen every movie, gone to every party, took every trip. I wish I had never cried over spilt milk or worried obsessively about my lack of fingernails or my pointy ears or whether my butt looked big. Just enjoy. Because you don't ever want your prom memories to involve getting so upset over being ditched by your date that you throw up in the restroom. Or your college memories to involve going back multiple times to the guy who made you feel like trash because you secretly suspected no one else would ever want you. Just rock it, right now, no matter what it is.

4. You Can't Anticipate Memories - But while we're on the subject, don't worry too much about the memories you're making. Live for the now and it'll all come out in the end. Let me tell you a story: When I was 19, I had the opportunity to spend almost a month in London. It was exquisite and I loved every moment. But I packed every morsel of interesting stuff I could into those days. I went to every site and wandered the streets and ate at places that honestly freaked me out a little. I played Hearts in pubs with little old me and took tea in a department store. But honestly, my best memory of the whole trip is splitting a gallon of screwdrivers with some friends on the way to Oxford and then later, Windsor Castle. I giggled and guffawed my way through a giant portrait of Lewis Carroll and a gold plated ceiling worth the national gross product of several small nations. Then I felt guilty. Because I thought I would never remember those places correctly. I do. I also remember some of the best friends I've ever had and one of the best days of my life.

5. Don't worry - Most of all, if I could send out one message to the world, it would be this: quit stressing. It'll do what it does and there's very little that worry can accomplish. Do your best, fight your hardest, give your most and then get out of the way.

What about you: Any advice to which you wish you had listened?

My Kids are Weird

Brynna likes: Wiping the sweat off of horses
Brynna hates: Soccer

Maren loves: Running late
Maren hates: Leaving on time

Brynna loves: Doing her chores
Brynna hates: Picking up toys

Maren loves: Working on cars, talking about cars, fixing cars
Maren hates: Riding in cars

Brynna loves: Fighting with her sister
Brynna hates: When her sister hugs her

Maren loves: Fighting with her sister
Maren loves: Hugging her sister
Maren loves: Watching her sister try to squirm away
Maren loves: Hugging her anyway

At least I've got them figured out. For the next ten minutes, at least.

In Defense of Story...

You step into an already darkened theater. You settle on the couch with your favorite blanket. You crack the spine and gaze for the first time on a brand, spanking new cover page.

It is the genesis of magic. And magic, among other things, is personal. It is intimate. It is individual.

*************

My first experience with TV haters was a few months out of college. Understand, I knew people when I was in high school and college who didn't have TV's, and who were perfectly capable of having a television. They chose not to. But on this sunny day, I asked a perfectly normal-seeming woman at my work if she watched something. Buffy, maybe. I don't remember.

"Oh," she responded. "I don't watch TV. I don't have cable or whatever. I only watch movies." She said this with a certain condescension, a certain air of superiority. As if she couldn't understand why I would watch TV.

For my part, I was a tad embarrassed to have so unwittingly altered her opinion of me, but mostly I felt sort of sorry for her high-flung pseudo-intellectualism.

Since then, my experience with haters has grown exponentially. I'm not sure, being me, if this is due to my personal experiences or due to a general increase in intellectual elitism. Because the default position for many now seems to be that if you don't like what I like, you're dumb.

If you like TV, you're dumb. If you enjoyed the Twilight novels, you're dumb. If you can stand to watch a movie with a budget bigger than the average household income and not be snarky, you are dumb. So where does that leave a person like me? A person who loves a lot of things - some of them good and some of them lacking, some of them "smart" and some of them not so much?

There are lots of things on TV. And not all of them are stories, but most of them are. I like stories. I like characters. I like that feeling of slipping into a totally foreign world.

For years, I've maintained that what makes good SciFi is universality. Yes, people thousands of years from now that travel the entire universe in space ships made of trees are different from us. Obviously. But they are not really at all different from us. People are the same. What makes us tick. What makes us wonderful and horrible and miserable and happy. It never really changes.

The same is true for all stories, really. I don't have all that much in common on the surface with a vampire in Virginia or with two brothers who travel across the country fighting evil from an Impala, or an alien who moves through time and space just because he can. But at the same time, I do. I am driven by the same things - I am touched by the same things - hurt by the same things. I am just like them in so many ways.

And to me, the story is the thing. I love to read. I love the theatre. I love movies. But I also love TV, because all of these things are just conduits for the story. The are just the chips and the story is whatever delicious dip is your favorite. The medium does not determine the quality.

I have seen weekly TV shows, hour long dramas and half-hour comedies both, that are better written, more emotional, more full stories than some books that I have read or movies I have seen. Every version has its limitations. But none are really better or worse. They are just the door. The world beyond, the magic is what happens once you enter.

The magic is the story. And the story can survive anywhere.

Five Things on Friday - I Hate to Leave Edition

Being a parent, I truly believe, is about 50% distraction. I don't know what the other half is, I haven't figured it out yet. My problem is that I'm not very quick on my feet. Sometimes I amaze myself though. Like last night. We went to the county fair and rode some rides, ate some junk food and watched a curious little sport call Truck Tug of War. Sometimes I love living in semi-rural Kentucky.

In any case, then we left. By the time we hiked to the car, got everyone strapped in and began the sojourn home it was 10:00. (Sometimes being the cool mom is really just a matter of being the mom with a terrible sense of time.) The kids were tired and cranky and you know, leaving the fair.

So, we began a game where we listed all the places that we are sad to leave. Within minutes we were happily flying down the road, giggling about being sad, instead of crying about being sad. Which was a nice change.

Most of mine didn't make sense to my rapscallions, though, so I thought I'd share them with you.

Five Places I Hate to Leave

1. The Shower - If I were stranded on a desert island and could only take two things, they would be a shower and a water heater. If I could only take one, it would be a boat. Because I wouldn't want an island without a hot shower. Hot showers are truly my favorite thing in the world. We have a family joke about how I melt the paint off the walls. It's true. I also take my shower hours apart from my kids because I run the hot water out, no matter what. I'm sorry, is there another way to know when you're done? Add to that the fact that it's about my only moments of absolute privacy and you have it, heaven right in my own house.

2. The Movie Theater - I love the movies. I love movies, in general. Stories blown up for dramatic effect, but I also love the theatre itself. Cold, dark, calm and full of buttery popcorny goodness. 

3. My Mom's - You know how they say you can't go home again? It's because they aren't part of my family. I can go home any time I want, stay as long as I like and never want to leave. 

4. Disney World - It is the happiest place on Earth, you know.

5. Lowe's - I say a lot that I'll never have the perfect house, because I'd hate it. I would hate it because it would be finished. I am, by nature, a tinkerer and I want to tinker. I want to repaint and rearrange and get a new light fixture and what about crown molding? I've always wanted crown molding. I especially love the tile aisle. I don't know why. I have a couple of projects I'm currently considering involving tile, but even when I don't, I love to go wander around and look at tile. I feel certain that something is wrong with me.

Where do you hate to leave? Where do you love to leave?

Five Things on Friday - Travel Bucket List Edition

You know, I am a compulsive list maker, right? It's sort of the appeal behind the whole Five Things phenomenon. But the one list that I keep taking a crack at and failing is the bucket list. How can I possibly narrow down everything I want to do before I die into a list. Maybe 30 lists, which brings us to today's:

Five Places I Must Go Before I Die:

1. Fairy Pools of Skye - The Isle of Skye in Scotland is known for a lot of things, a very cool castle, lots of Gaelic history, and mostly, the Fairy Pools. Beautiful, crystal clear pools, waterfalls and the possibility of magic abound. Seriously, look at that. Who doesn't want to go there.

2. Iceland - I don't know why. It just sounds cool. Plus, black sand.

3. Australia/New Zealand - You know, people seem nice and I know people there. Sort of. Also, that one spot where they made Lord of the Rings. You know, the mountainy one.

4. Niagara Falls - I know, I know, "Dream Big." But I've always wanted to go.

5. Alaska - I think I may have mentioned this one before.

Where do you need to go before you kick it?

Breaking Down and Building Up

This weekend was unexpectedly rough. I don't know why. I can't tell you in any way that makes sense why this was the weekend that my sanity hit the fan. But it did.

Saturday, my kids wanted to camp out with Uncle D at the festival that my mom works at every year. I know that's confusing, roll with it. For some weird reason, I have zero interest in attending said festival. So, I dropped the kids with responsible adults and went to Wal-Mart and then headed home.

I went to the basement to switch out laundry and started bawling my eyes out. I had no idea it was coming. I sat on a pile of dirty sheets and cried for all the things I had lost or was losing. I cried for the hopeful girl who walked down the aisle 11 years ago, never dreaming she would be part of that 50%. I cried for the anniversary trip to Alaska I'll never take. I cried for the quiet and the weekends without my kids. But mostly, I cried for me.

I cried for the me that I thought was gone and buried. I cried for the me that I never really was. I cried for all the versions of me through the past decade and all the damage that's been done to all of them. I've been so busy mourning the marriage and trying to make everything as easy and comfortable for the kids as possible that I never stopped to mourn for myself. For me.

Then I spent the rest of the night alternating between more crying jags, maudlin trips through photo albums and screaming the lyrics to "Crazy Eddie's Last Hurrah," at the top of my lungs. Plus I watched about four episodes of Being Human on Netflix and started reading Blackout. I'm a complex person, I suppose.

Sunday morning I woke up with puffy eyes and a nagging headache. I hate crying. But I also woke up with something more: a blue sky.

I can't help but say it again: I'm fine. I really am. I am going to have these moments, but for the most part, what I see ahead of me now is glorious. It's a open expanse of opportunities and experiences that I would have never had if things had kept going the way they were going. I have my whole life ahead of me and one big giant Reset button to push. And I think I'm finally ready to push it.

Five Things on Friday - Parties To Which I Have Not Yet Been Edition

So, last week, I wrote about parties to which I was late: Nirvana, Buffy, etc. And, because you guys are geniuses, the comments turned to parties we still haven't been to and I realized that was a much better post. So, here we go.






Parties I'm Still Holding Out On:

1. MP3 Players - I mean, I have one. Actually, I have two. And I get the basic concept here, but you know.. I just... Okay, here's the the thing. With bullets.

Ah. Music the way I like it:
On a disk with headphones that
go over your head.

• It's not as simple as it's supposed to be. The whole idea here was to get my whole CD collection in my pocket, right? With superior sound. Except, hours later and I've got three CD's on my player. I can get 10 in my travel case in less than a minute. And I get the whole - once it's done, it's done thing, but still. 
• And buying music. Okay, on the one hand, the concept of buying one song for pretty cheap has some appeal. Like when you really hate a band but you like this one song. *cough*Nickleback*cough* But for the most part I'm a purist, I like my albums all albumy, like beginning to end. And yes, I can still download a whole album, but I feel like this one-song-downloady stuff is ruining the music business by encouraging groups to put out a whole bunch of meaningless singles with no connection and no albuminess .
• I keep losing it.

Nice logo, though. 

2. iAnything - I mentioned up there that I have a couple of mpeggy things. I have a Sony and an Erickson. Not an Apple. I have a Nook Tablet as opposed to an iPad. I have an android instead of an iPhone and I am perfectly happy thankyouverymuch. In my opinion, what Apple is really good at - is marketing. Yeah, they've pioneered some things, but mostly I think they just market better than anyone else on the planet. And I'm not at all sure they are sooo superior. I mean, good stuff - sure, but better than anything I have? I'm not buying it. Especially after talking to some of the iPeople in my life and hearing them harp on issues they are always having. Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm cool. Over here. With no fruit.

Note: Not clothing

3. Lady Gaga - At first I thought this was going to be like a kid thing. One of those groups that everyone's kids listen to and no adults really do. But I know all kinds of really intelligent people who loooove Lady Gaga. And I - just don't get it.

I'm sorry, Amy.

4. Parks and Recreation - I hear it's funny. I'm not even really sure when it's on. I don't know, but I am wholely unmotivated to watch this. Also see: Portlandia, The Office, 30 Rock and Conan. I watched Community once. It was funny. I haven't watched it since. I don't know why. But I'm gonna chalk that up in the same category.

5. "Couponing" - Thankfully, I think this whole thing is dying down. I am all about saving money. And I have a little coupon organizer and I take it to the grocery and stuff, but I don't need another full time job. My actual full time job and parenting are plenty, thank you.

Anyone want to sway me? Explain to me what I'm missing? Or tell me what you're missing?

Can Someone Explain

You know that commercial with John Malkovich for iPhones. I don't get it. I mean I get the commercial. I'm pretty sure that the over-arching message is that Siri is creepy, but maybe that's just because of my obsession with SciFi. (I prefer my talking computerized device that knows way too much about me to not make editorial remarks.) Anyway, what I don't get is the joke.

Two iPhones walk into a bar. I forget the rest.

Because you walked into a bar and bonked your nonexistent head?
Because you got so drunk you forgot?
What about the other iPhone?

I'm sure I'm over thinking this, but it is driving me bonkers.

Any help?

Floaty

I am an idea person. I have plans - big plans and lots of them. Super-duper amazingly huge plans. Lots. I have no priorities when it comes to these plans, just a really long list of things to do. I also have no sense of urgency. Until I have to, then I panic and half-pants it and get a few things done.

Like last month, I had my church ladies over for supper and our monthly meeting. We each take a turn hosting a month and it's big fun and I always spend the 48 hours before hyperventilating. This year was no different. And I got a lot of stuff done. I got my house clean - like wicked, spotless clean. I also got a wreath on my door for the first time since I took down the Christmas wreath in March. I know, I know. And I'm kinda wreathy.

What I didn't get done that I kept thinking I'd have done before WMU:

• my yard looking yardy - with flowers and weeded beds and such
• my "mudroom" area of my kitchen put together
• my homemade desk/craft table finished
• some solution to my weird cabinet hole issue
• my kids' silhouettes, all silhouettey and stuff
• art on the walls in Maren's room
• my room cleaned, like with a visible floor

Because my room never counts in house cleaning.

Here's the way I look at it: I am a balloon, and as someone who used to work in a balloon store (roll with me here) I know that balloons need tethers. Some people buy those crappy flat plastic tethers and let me tell you, if you're balloon is worth it's salt, it's going to drag that flimsy thing all over the house. Some people will get the big concretey ones and those seem a little like overkill to me. 

I was always a fan of going tetherless and tying the balloon to a chair. Simple, clean and ribbony. 

So, I guess what I need is a chair. 

I need to work on that metaphor, but in the meantime, I'll be at the Peddler's Mall and Re-Store chair shopping.

Other Words that Don't Have an "I"

When I was in middle school - high school, there was suddenly (from my perspective) a big push to get us to work cooperatively. It was all "group work" this and "group project" that. And write a research paper with a partner. WTP (What the pants, FYI).

Here's the thing, I always sucked at group work. For one simple reason - I don't trust you. It doesn't matter who you are. Maybe you are Michael R., our valedictorian and generally the smartest guy I ever met. Maybe you are Susan (my HS best friend and probably the smartest chick I ever met). Perhaps you are a freakin' Spanish exchange student and the project is for Spanish 101. I still don't trust you.

I would casually accept the break-down of activities and project pieces and then I'd just do the whole thing. Perhaps quietly and without telling you (because you know, I don't want to hurt your feelings just because I don't trust you), but I would do it all. Which meant that my part wasn't as good as it should be, because I'd done the whole thing.

Then, my theory went, if you did your own work, I'd be pleasantly surprised. If not, I'd be well prepared to save the day and my ever-important A.

Of all the things that I was told in high school would help prepare me for life, I can honestly say most of them were lies. I don't even remember what sine and cosine are now, let alone how to use them. I had to google how to figure out he area of a circle twice in the recent past. I've never needed to know where a fetal pig keeps its spleen. Or even if it has a spleen. Who knows? Someone currently in AP Biology, that's who. I've retained a great deal of English and Communications stuff, but more because I like it than because knowing what philosophically separated romantic writers from neoclassical ones comes up a bunch in conversation.

The two things that I truly need as an adult were as follows:

• Reading critically and writing well will always be an asset and will never be wasted - True Dat.
• Group projects prepare you for working in the real world. Abso - what?!? Really?

I've thankfully outgrown the need to do a job from beginning to end all on my own, but there are still quite a few areas where I could use improvement here. I don't ask for help well. I don't hire help well. I don't train people well. And, most importantly, I'd rather just do it myself. 

Because, wait for it... I still don't trust you. I trust you more, now, because you're getting paid and I trust that your appreciation of money is at least similar to my appreciation of big red shiny A's. (My appreciation for money wanes every time I read some sorry typo-ridden excuse for a resume for our CEO position.) Therefore, I won't try to do your work for you. But I will still never, ever ask you to help me with my work. Because I'm a horrible, awful control freak of doom.

Because I want to do and be the best at everything.

Because I want people to believe that I am Super Man. 

Because I hate to rely on anyone else.

But mostly,

Because I don't trust you.

And I'm pretty sure that means that something is terribly wrong with me.

Monday Morning Coming Down

I traveled last week. It's not something I get to do very often. I have a job that requires little travel and I almost never get to go anywhere for pleasure. It's a blessing just to pack a suitcase for me.

Of course, today, I am completely confused. Where am I? What am I supposed to be doing? I keep looking at my desk with a confused expression, trying to figure out where things are.

What are all these envelopes everywhere? How do you spell "spell?" What is wrong with my grammar?!? And typing?!?!

I hate this feeling. Fluttery and strange. Like I don't really belong here, I'm only playing a part. And, truthfully, I think today I am.

It's a bit like a hangover. Nothing seems to connect and now I've got to figure out how to get home.

I think I understand now why people who travel a lot hate it so much. I still don't. I still think that suitcases and packing lists and travel soap is exciting.

Anyone with me?